Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
