im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
