I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
