My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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