so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
