The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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