I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I wear drunk well.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
There's even glitter on my cock...
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