Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize