I'm so fucking centered right now
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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