Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
