I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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