On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
