Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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