just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
