I skipped work to stalk him.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
