i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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