areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
