"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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