I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
