he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
a search helicopter?!
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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