Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
