Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
