The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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