I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
