I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
