He felt like a one man threesome
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
