hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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