Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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