So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
