I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
