you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
