My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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