Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
