i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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