Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
