Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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