I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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