I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
