it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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