you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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