I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so let's talk penis.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
