This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
