my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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