I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
