His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
