can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
