I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
