ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
