I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
