Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
