His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
