I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
