I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Randomize
