i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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