So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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