im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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