I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
