Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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