Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
