Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
